Doctor humor

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going
                 to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed
                 out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to
                 take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
                 were several cabs and I was in the wrong one. Submitted
                 by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

                 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope
                 on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's
                 anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes,
                 they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr.
                 Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

                 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
                 told a wife that her husband had died of a massive
                 myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I
                 heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
                 had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr.
                 Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

                 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
                 with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that
                 he was having trouble with one of his medications.
                 "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to
                 put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out
                 of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
                 discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had
                 over fifty patches on his body!    Now, the instructions
                 include removal of the old patch before applying a new
                 one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

                 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
                 I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a
                 look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for
                 about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
                 Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

                 6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your
                 breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the
                 Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste"
                 the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and
                 the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
                 Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

                 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a
                 young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker
                 Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
                 strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
                 that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
                 scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely
                 disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that
                 her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there
                 was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the
                 surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on
                 the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow
                 the lawn." Submitted by RN no name

                 AND FINALLY!!!..............

                 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was
                 quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
                 To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a
                 habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon
                 whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out
                 laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from
                 my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling
                 you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were
                 whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr.
                 wouldn't submit his name